Balin's Personal Page

My name is Sunstag Wolfbane, but please, call me Balin. I take my name from the novels "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings", although I was flabbergasted to discover that Balin was in fact a dwarf so I have to confess that we are not alike in that way. But, in every other way we are akin.

"Balin was the senior member (just like me!) of the Company of Dwarves selected by Thorin Oakenshield for the quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain from Smaug the Dragon. Balin was courageous as well as kind. (Again, resembling me! I am fearless of Dragons)

Balin, son of Fundin, was born in 2763. He had a younger brother Dwalin. Their family was of the line of Durin. Balin lived at the Lonely Mountain as a child. Balin's father was killed in the Battle of Azanulbizar in 2799, and afterwards Balin accompanied Thrain and Thorin in their wandering until they made their home in the Blue Mountains."

Welcome to my page, this is far more serious than the other pages, and is for DOGS ONLY!

I hope to be able to help out with problems and advise that might be too private to ask your mom and dad. Maybe help with girls, help with your human................ so please, send me any questions you may have, and I will do my best to answer them.

You can send your PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL - mail to: [email protected] - Your mail will only be published at your request

Hi Balin. I snuck up on my mom's computer and checked out your webpage. They are gonna get me a little Irish Wolfhound girl in about 2 weeks, so I need to know if I have to be hearding her right away or what. I am a Border Collie and have asked mom many times to get me a sheep, but instead they get me one of yuz guyz. But I like girls, so she can't be too boring, right? I will teach her all my tricks, and I got plenty of them. Gimme some advise on the hearding though, okay, when you get some computer time.

Well hello Luke. You are very lucky to be getting a 'girl' Irish Wolfhound, they are tones of fun, but can be a bit bossy, so be warned. If you want my advice I�d start as you mean to go on, herding sounds like just the ticket to keep her out of mischief, and I always recommend tricks, especially the kind that make your mom hop and shout....... too funny!! Be prepared, she might be a bit boring to start with �cause the young ones like to sleep a lot, but once she�s grown a bit I think you�ll be the best pals ever. Sheep are ok, but they baa baa baa all the time, and quite frankly it would get on your nerves! And they head butt and that really hurts. Keep me posted. Balin

Dear Balin, Can someone explain to my family that while being a 'health freak' is cool for canines, we still crave doggy delights from doughnuts to burgers every now and then. It's torture watching my humans lick ice creams or gobble down pastries whilst pretending not to see me. How can I get them to indulge me too??

Reply: Next time your humans go shopping quickly add to their list a box or two of "Frosty Paws", ice cream just for dogs (hope you can get them in Northern Ireland). We have them as a treat from time to time, especially after a long, hot walk. They'll find them in most large supermarkets in the ice cream section. Also log onto the internet and do a search for dog bakeries, and leave it up for your human to see next time they go to check their email. Another alternative is to check out "Kili in the Kitchen", there are lots of canine goodies there for the best cook in the house to bake you, and they are all doggie-licious!!

Dear Balin, Dog Collars are one thing, but dog clothes? This winter my mom made me wear a stupid sweater and booties! I guess it helped to keep me warm, but quite frankly I'd rather freeze. What can I do to prevent this happening again next winter?

Reply: Sorry, but I think you'll have to compromise. If it's really cold outside that sweater doesn't sound so stupid to me, and if the ground is freezing maybe the booties aren't such a bad idea. It really depends on what type of dog you are. But if you're not a toy breed tell your mom from me to save the hats, shoes, and any other silly accessories for toy breeds and maybe festive occasions if she really must. Let me know if she's thinking about making dog clothes a daily regimen, and I'll personally make her an appointment with a pet shrink.

Hello Balin, Help, I just can't handle it when my human hogs the bed, it upsets my variety of dog postures, not to mention my sleep. Sometimes I like to be on my back with all four legs in the air, sometimes stretched out on my side. Is there a way we can both be happy sharing the same bed?

Reply: Sage, firstly I would suggest your owner buys a much larger bed, a king size is always my preferred choice. Until then, you could try sleeping at the foot of the bed, but that would depend on your size. Next time you hear your human mumble, "Hey move over", just grin and bear it, remember you're the alpha dog, and hopefully that new bed will arrive soon. Case closed!!

Dear Balin, I hate to whine about my mom, but she got me the toy of my dog dreams, and I like to keep tabs on it, but always forget where I've left it. Do you have any suggestions?

Reply: Hi Laker. A great solution to this common problem is to get your mom to purchase a toy box just for you. We have one and mom always picks up all our toys, bones and chews on a daily basis and puts them back in the box. That way we can always find something we love just when we fancy it. This way you can keep on top of your dog toy stash and never suffer from withdrawal symptoms.

Hi Balin, can you help me? I have developed a fear of thunderstorms and loud noises, what can I do about it? I didn't used to be scared of those noises, I just don't understand what happened.

Apollo, New York

Reply: Well Apollo, this behavior has been learned and can be "unlearned", so don't panic. It may be that your humans have responded to your fears by being protective, or trying to distract you from those sounds. Unfortunately, those well-intentioned gestures only reinforce your fear. Ask your human to buy a tape which can mimic this frightening noise, get them to play it at lower level so it's not scary, then gradually get them to increase the level of sound. It may take 2-3 weeks to get used to it, but in no time you will be able to listen to it at high volume with no fear at all.

PS Make sure they reward you for not showing fear.

Hey Balin,

It's your cousin Jakey here. Before my Ma speaks to Auntie Helen I must set the record straight. I didn't know they were new, OK! Ma screamed like next doors cat and chased me round the house, I had a great time with this new game, didn't realize till I slipped up and let her catch me that she was actually wailing with anger, not delight!

I heard her telling Dad that they were her new boots, but she glared at me when she was talking to him (maybe her eyesight's going, I'm far too good looking to be mistaken for Dad!)

Anyway set the record straight with Auntie Helen, Please! I don't want to miss out on those chewy bulls things she sent over. She'll understand, remember when you ate the leather couch?

Until next time, you diamond geezer!

Jakey, Dullingham, UK

Reply: Hi Jakey, lovely to hear from you, and yes I do remember eating the couch, oh boy, that was fun while it lasted.

I can confirm that Auntie Liz hasn't spoken to mom yet, so hopefully I can clear the air before she does. I'm sure she'll vouch for you, it's an easy mistake to make.

I would love to have seen Auntie Liz chasing you round the house, brings back happy memories of my puphood. Sounds like she needs some training, but a glaring, foot stomping mom always makes me smile inside. I wouldn't worry too much about it, Auntie Liz is such a soft touch, and she can always buy some new boots, and this time lets hope she's sensible enough to put them away, it really is her own fault entirely.

And if Auntie Liz calls, I'll distract mom with silly faces and some sloppy kisses, that way she'll be sure to give you a glowing report.

Give my love to everyone, bye for now!!

Dear Balin,

I need your help and support, sometime ago our mummy went away for a while and we were left with Daddy to look after us. I was not really looking forward to it because I love my mummy and when she left I was very upset, you must remember because you were upset as well.

Anyway, as it happened we had a great time, Daddy took us for early morning walks and then some more walks in the evening. He made us some lovely dinners and we ate all of our food everyday, it was a great time, we love our Dad.

But it did not last long, Mum came home, now we get the same food and go on the same walks, not as many as with Daddy.

How can I get our Mummy to go away again?

Thanks, Anonymous�.

Reply: Sounds like a letter from you Kili, but just this once I am going to allow a girl to have her say. I remember it well, and it was a wonderful time after getting over the shock of Mummy going away! Perhaps we could persuade Dad to pay for Mummy to go on a wonderful holiday to Hawaii, then we would get great food that mummy doesn't approve of, and have lots of fun walks with dad and our friends. I'll go and have a word with him right now!

Dear Balin,

I found a very interesting looking dog the other night, he was black and white and had a lovely fluffy tail. But he wasn't very friendly and when I got close he sprayed me with a very stinky smell then ran off into the woods, charming. My mom and dad were very upset when they caught me, and made me take a bath as soon as we got home, and now I smell even worse. What kind of dog was that?, I'd really like to avoid them in the future.

Trouble, Montana

Reply: Sounds like your mom and dad were spot on with your name. I think you've just met your first skunk. I can't be sure but I have heard about this creature, and it certainly isn't a dog, and should be avoided at all costs. Taking a bath is not a fun past time, so if you want to avoid having one, I'd steer clear. They don't speak Doglish, in fact I've heard they're from France. There is one famous one called Pepe Le Pew, but I don't know him personally. Here is a picture of one so you ALL know what to look out for.

Dear Balin,

Please help me. I just found out that 2 of my brothers were arrested and taken to the police station. They were paw printed and had mug shots taken. All this for trespassing. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she said we must love our brothers anyway. I now have to wear a striped night shirt so I don't become like them. I am so upset. I don't want people to think I am bad, just because they were. Can you tell me what to say when others ask about my brothers????? I am waiting in my stripes.

Magic, Alabama

Reply: Well Magic, sounds to me like you have a couple of tear a ways as brothers, but certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Your mom is right, we must love ALL our brothers, so don't be too upset, it can happen to the best of us!!!

If people ask you about them, just say they are famous celebrities, no need to elaborate!! You'll be amazed how many new friends you'll make having infamous brothers, and best of all, will probably help you get a very pretty girlfriend (they love the bad boys). So you see, it's really not as bad as you first thought.

PS If you want me to have a word with your mom about making you wear that stripy nightshirt, just give me the nod!!

Dear Balin,

We're so upset. We were reading over mom's shoulder (as usual), to see why she was laughing. We read that Magic thinks we are bad. He's our most favorite brother... we look up to him... we, sniffle, love him. What's a "mug shot" anyway? Mom said the men with walkie-talkies (her words exactly) were taking very important photo's for an article on the benefits of walking through nature reserves. We gave them our autographs and got matching tee shirts too!! So why, sniffle, is he upset with us? Is there something wrong with stripes? Balin, please help.

Duncan and Indie, Tampa

Reply: Good lads, one must always keep an eye on our mom's, even more so when they are laughing, why should we miss out on any fun. So stop your sniffling because I feel sure Magic doesn't really think you are bad, in fact I would say he's probably secretly very proud of you.

A "mug shot" is a photograph humans take when they think someone is incredibly handsome and those men were probably using those walkie-talkies to spread the word about two very striking boys they saw on their nature walk. Sounds like you're famous if they wanted your paw-graphs too, and the matching stripy tee-shirts seem to have started a fashion trend, so hey, stripes are official in.

Magic loves you, blood brothers always stick together. So clear the air, visit your brother and have a good laugh about it over a nice pint of Guinness, and if you don't mind I may even tag along.

Dear Balin,

I just moved here to be with my new family. They said they were so happy to have me because they must have been very special. They said their breeder person questioned them like the IRS and continues to be a Mother-in-Law. Is this going to affect my integration into this family? I'm a bit scared.

With valentines day just around the corner I was wondering what to buy my girlfriend. She is very pretty and I want to make sure she has something very special.

Reply: Dear Sammy, a few tasty treats usually does the trick, so she'll always think of you when she's eating them. I would always recommend "Greenies". Girls love 'em, and better still, they keep their teeth and breath nice and fresh ready for a quick kiss. Hope that helps.

I do hope you can help. I am so fed up with my dried food, it's always the same and I really need a change. Please help.

Reply: Dear Mr. Tibs, I think I can help. Simply DON'T EAT, I can guarantee that your mom will get so worried, she'll go out and buy something nice to put in it. This has always worked for me, I very often get boiled chicken or low fat cottage cheese. Sometimes even some nice unsalted gravy. Enjoy!!

I have a brother who is always stealing my toys and chews. He never wants the one mom gives him, what can I do?

Kili I know it's you!!!, and I DO NOT steal your toys and chews. Now buzz off this page is for dogs only!!!

My mom and dad are going on holiday, and I overheard them booking me a room at the kennels. I want to go with them, any advise?

Reply: Well Kahn, firstly, why oh why do you parents have to go on holiday when they live in Florida. And secondly, tell them from me, to check out the Miscellaneous page as it gives them details of dog friendly hotels. Keep me informed, this kind of thing just can't be allowed to continue.

Balin, I'm at the end of my tether, my humans have only gone and got a new puppy, and quite frankly I'm hurt. It's making me anxious. I feel betrayed.

Reply: Well Bailey, I really think you need to chill out. Just think of all the fun you'll have once you get to know each other. Plus, you get to blame loads of stuff on the new pup, for a while anyway! I suggest you have a boys night out and relax. I guarantee you'll be fine!

Dear Balin, as us dogs can understand our humans verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, clickers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths, my question to you is exactly what is it my human understands?

Reply: Dear Anonymous, of course it's obvious to you and me that we are in fact by far the superior race, but to be fair on our humans they can read our signals too. Ok, I except that we are very adept at getting our humans to do exactly what we want them to do, but should really count our blessings that our humans understand that we need love, companionship and trust, plenty of exercise and wonderful treats. What more can we ask!

If you have a birthday coming up, get your mom and dad to send in your photo, age and date of birth,

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